DES MOINES, IA — Local homeowner Gary Wilkins doubled down on his anti-bidet stance Saturday while casually wiping dog feces off his hand with a single, rapidly disintegrating sheet of paper towel.

“This is how real Americans clean,” Wilkins said with zen-like calm, evenly spreading the mess across the rest of his hand like he was buttering toast. “Those bidet things? European communist mind control. You spray water up there, next thing you know you’re speaking French and voting for socialism.”

Neighbors say Wilkins had just retrieved a tennis ball from the yard when he discovered the fresh pile. Rather than wash his hands, he reportedly used one paper towel square, a patch of grass, and a quick rub on his cargo shorts.

“I don’t need fancy gadgets telling me how to clean myself,” Wilkins added, now proudly holding up a hand that looked worse than when he started. “God gave us paper, and I plan to die as He intended — rubbed raw and righteous.”

At press time, Wilkins had been spotted heading back inside, calmly touching doorknobs and the fridge handle “because soap is for libtards.”