EL SEGUNDO, CA — Facing collapsing revenue and a product lineup consumers now refer to as “flavored beige,” Beyond Meat has announced a dramatic final pivot: a new “Vegan” meat alternative sourced from 100% organic, pasture-raised vegans.

The company unveiled its signature product, The Beyond Vegan™ Cutlet, during a shareholder call described by one attendee as “both cannibalism and somehow still plant-adjacent.”

“We listened to the market,” said Beyond Meat CEO Ethan Brown. “People don’t want fake meat anymore — they want ethically sourced, free-range people who believed in this lifestyle enough to marinate themselves spiritually.”

According to company materials, the vegans are “grass-fed in the ideological sense,” enjoy a diet of blended oats, rage tweets, and seasonal smugness, and are “harvested only after giving informed consent in a softly lit yurt.”

Nutritionists are divided. Some say this pivot finally provides a stable protein source made of moral superiority, while others argue the biggest risk is accidentally consuming CrossFit vegans, which testers described as “chewy and aggressively self-referential.”

Early focus groups praised the product’s “authentically human mouthfeel,” though one tester complained it was “weirdly pensive, like the meat was disappointed in me during the chewing phase.”

Shares of Beyond Meat briefly spiked following the announcement before crashing again when analysts realized the supply chain depended on a limited number of vegans who have not yet fled to Portland.

The company has reassured investors that “more will grow back.”