BENTONVILLE, AR — Seizing a golden opportunity to court Costco’s most outraged ex-customers, Sam’s Club has announced a mass hiring initiative exclusively featuring white men, finally giving America’s most tragically overlooked majority a shot at retail greatness.

“With Costco going all in on DEI, we knew there was a gap in the market,” said Sam’s Club hiring director Chad McAllister. “So we did what any bulk supplier would do, we ordered white guys by the pallet.”

According to company insiders, the hiring initiative, code named Operation Greg, aims to staff every Sam’s Club location with at least 85% Todd, Chad, or Kyle saturation by Q3. Analysts predict record numbers of new hires who once quit insurance sales to “focus on their podcast.”

Shoppers have noticed the shift. “It just feels different here,” said local man Brett Thompson. “Like, when I asked an employee where the paper towels were, he said, ‘Right this way, champ.’ That’s customer service Costco just doesn’t provide.”

Costco declined to comment but reportedly celebrated a record breaking day for hot dog sales while Sam’s Club continued its hiring spree, now accepting resumes exclusively written in Times New Roman, size 12, with two typos and a vague Bible quote at the bottom.