SEATTLE — Seahawks QB Sam Darnold may not be leading the NFL in passing yards, but he’s easily leading the league in snack-based accuracy. Witnesses say at Friday’s backyard barbecue, Darnold was throwing Dots Pretzels with surgical precision, no-look tosses into Solo cups, perfect spirals into the chip bowl, and a 40-yard dime that hit his nephew square in the mouth.

“He was slinging those pretzels like it was the NFC Championship,” said Uncle Dave, who caught one “clean in the numbers” while holding a Coors Light. “I haven’t seen accuracy like that since Madden 2004.”

Unfortunately, the elite snack-tossing did not carry over to Sunday. Darnold went 16-for-23 for just 150 yards with zero touchdowns in a 17–13 loss to the 49ers, a stat line analysts said had the same result as Grandma’s deviled eggs: completely shitting the bed.

Bill Simmons summed up the economics perfectly:

“Look, anytime you can pay a guy 100 million dollars to throw for 150 yards per game, you have to do it.”

Asked about the criticism after the game, Darnold smirked.

“People can say what they want. I’ll see you guys later. I’m heading down to the Ferrari dealership.”