In his latest effort to combat climate change, Bill Gates unveiled a “digital” solution to reduce methane emissions from cows. Farmers were thrilled—until they realized the only digital part of the process was their own fingers.

Speaking at a climate tech summit, Gates beamed: “Methane emissions are a massive problem. So I thought—why not just stop them at the source? Digitally, of course.”

Attendees assumed he meant an AI-powered device, but were stunned when Gates held up a latex glove.

“This is the technology,” Gates said, slipping on an elbow-length glove with the enthusiasm of a man who has never seen a cow outside of Minecraft.

The “Digital Emissions Blocker™,” sarcastically dubbed The Gates Plug, relies on human labor to manually, well, “seal the exit.” According to the official site, the process involves “strategic methane disruption via real-time, farmer-powered intervention.” In plain English: glove up and plug a cow.

“We’ve optimized the technique,” Gates insisted. “It’s ergonomic, sustainable, and totally scalable if people would just stop complaining.”

Farmers weren’t convinced. “At first, I thought it was a digital tracker,” said Iowa rancher Chuck Morrison. “Then I saw the demo video… and buddy, I did not sign up for this.” Another farmer added, “I didn’t buy 200 head of cattle just to become a full-time proctologist.”

Gates assured the audience robotic arms were “in development,” but until then, the job would be a “great opportunity for young people looking to break into the green jobs sector.”

To encourage adoption, Gates announced incentives, including:

• $5 per methane prevention attempt

• A free Windows 11 upgrade (whether they want it or not)

• Complimentary Microsoft Teams subscriptions to “discuss best practices”

• One Bing search credit

At press time, Gates was lobbying Congress to classify farmers unwilling to participate as “climate extremists,” while ranchers across America quietly invested in Febreze by the pallet and industrial hand sanitizer.