PEORIA, IL — Local resident Denise Whitman stunned doctors this week by shedding 150 pounds on Ozempic, only to immediately suffer one of the drug’s rarest side effects: total blindness.

“Denise’s transformation is incredible,” said her physician, Dr. Linda Cringe, holding up before-and-after photos like she was pitching a Weight Watchers ad. “Unfortunately, she’ll never see the results herself.”

“Honestly, it’s worth it,” Denise said while applying lipstick three inches to the left of her mouth. “I might not be able to drive, read, or recognize my own children anymore, but at least people finally tell me I look snatched.”

Pharmaceutical giant Novo Nordisk congratulated Denise in a press release, noting that while Ozempic may cause nausea, vomiting, or permanent blindness, “customers overwhelmingly report looking fabulous while emptying themselves into the toilet or walking into traffic.”

At press time, Denise was reportedly shopping for a talking bathroom scale, explaining that “hearing the progress” is just as good as seeing it.