Health experts revealed this week that Santa’s legendary Christmas Eve feast, an estimated 30 million calories of cookies and milk, is medically indistinguishable from the eating habits of a typical U.S. adult population.

“Santa’s dietary intake is astronomical,” said one nutritionist. “But when we compared it to what most Americans pack away on a random weekday, gas station hot dogs, Costco samples, and six Pumpkin Spice Lattes, it turns out Kris Kringle is basically on Weight Watchers.”

According to the report, Santa’s binge equates to 1,200 McDoubles, 9,000 Taco Bell Chalupas, or a modest Olive Garden appetizer sampler. “Honestly, he’s under-eating compared to Texas,” one researcher noted.

The study concludes Santa’s only real health risk is climbing down chimneys. Most Americans, by contrast, face mortal danger just walking back to their cars after a Chili’s happy hour.