“These unicorns will revolutionize warfare,” said General Barry “Glitterhorn” Sanders while stroking the horn of a prototype. “They’re faster than tanks, shinier than drones, and guaranteed to terrify anyone still haunted by childhood My Little Pony trauma.”

Each unicorn features a 24-karat horn, hooves that can kick through armored vehicles, and a rainbow cannon so fabulous it gets compliments from Liberace’s ghost. Defense contractors called the budget, set at infinity minus one, “a bargain compared to diamond-encrusted dragons.”

Critics called the program insane. “Our troops don’t need solid-metal horses that guarantee hemorrhoids, they need gear that works,” said one analyst, warning that polishing a unicorn’s ass mid-firefight could prove fatal.

Congress is now debating the proposal. Supporters claim the unicorns will intimidate enemies and boost morale, while opponents warn glitter-based maintenance could collapse the economy by Thursday.

Despite controversy, the Pentagon remains confident. “We’re not just building unicorns,” Sanders clarified. “We’re building American jobs stapled to gold-plated horse corpses.”

The first prototype, codenamed Sparkle Strike, will appear at a military parade next year, unless Elon Musk buys it first.