In a flaming new policy rollout, President Donald Trump has mandated that all elementary schools adopt a “Stand Your Ground” fire drill protocol. The move, Trump says, is part of his campaign to make America “fearless again.”

“You don’t run from fires—only weak people, total disasters do that,” Trump declared at a White House press conference, before assuring the crowd he personally “never runs from anything, except fake news.”

Under the mandate, students will be armed with water guns, buckets, plastic axes from Spirit Halloween, and the sheer willpower of American exceptionalism to battle flames rather than fleeing like so-called “quitters.”

Fire safety experts have raised concerns, pointing out the obvious flaws in the plan. “The best way to survive a fire is still evacuation,” insisted one fire marshal and part-time Chili’s bartender, who was immediately drowned out by chants of “weak!” and “fire cuck!”

Meanwhile, Trump teased expansion. “We’re working on a non-fire version for other emergencies. Earthquakes, tornadoes, surprise pop quizzes—even active shooters. Stand your ground, folks. Always stand your ground.”

At press time, schools were scrambling to explain the policy to confused parents, panicked firefighters, and insurance companies now classifying all classrooms as “pre-existing bonfires.”